Monday, December 6, 2010

just stop & thnk

Do you sometimes wish you could have just a small glimpse into your future? just a know if the decisions you are making are leading you down a fulfilled road. The past few weeks that I have had off from everything have been very strange, or should I say strange in having nothing to do? It made me realize that I have never, ever had time quite like this before. Last week I got this awful sense of restlessness, which I expected to come quickly, but when it came.... then came the anxiety of not the "not knowing". Fortunately it passed and I remembered that this is precious time and time not to be wasted. It's profound how such a short time in your old life can quickly remind you why you fled it in the first place. That you leave somewhere, come back a stronger, more peaceful balanced version of yourself and the harsh reality of the present, the faint echo of the past can still your steps. But the call of the future pulls your heart, reminding you that....yes...your still breathing....and yes....your still you.

One could consider time like this a gift from the universe. A time to close unfinished chapters of life, in order to be able to continue on the path you are on that is your very own adventure. To close the book on the things that don't bring light into your world. Being in the middle of your past can show you how far you have come....and the amount of work ahead of you. The work you have to do to ensure that the past doesn't dictate the future. Coming home has also brought back those sweet memories of old friends, and the confusion of growing up. When life was never necessarily simple, but held simpler times. Moments that touched your heart and are forever etched in your "story". People who may not be in your life anymore, but forever remain apart of the essence of who you are.

Recently I have felt this sense of wanting to feel more of life, to really live it. I'm frustrated with our culture and its focus on self. I want MORE.....I want to know what people are feeling, where they want their life to go, what they really care about, what they want from their lives. I don't think people are taking the time to stop and even consider that. I read a poem at the front of a book titled 'The Invitation' by Oriah. It is so strange because its everything that I have been thinking....
so let me share it with you......

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been open by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you sit with pain mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own.

If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul, if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's pretty everyday, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the Fall moon....."YES"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you can truly like the company you keep in the empty moments"